Scared and homesick

I hate to admit it. I am homesick. While I have traveled out here with great enthusiasm, I was terrified. It is the first time I am in a country where I do not speak the language and do not know the culture without some one to help guide me. 

I don't know where to find things. I don't know how to bargain for items. I don't like being stared at like a foreigner, and I don't like not being able to talk to other people. As we were sitting at the corner of Le Duan eating roasted corn, I am watching the corn lady put incense around that street corner. I desperately wanted to ask her why. I want to learn more about the local culture, the daily life of the people of Da Nang. But there is no one we could really talk to. Most people we meet speak little to no English. Tam, the friend of our attending, seems to want to share most of her stories rather than answer questions, though she doesn't seem to mind the questions. 

I feel unsettled and lost in some ways. This city reminds me so much of my home city all those years ago, yet everything is foreign. I can't read any signs, don't know any shops, and can barely do the basic daily functions. I can't eat in my own room and have to rely on restaurants, where figuring out the food takes a good 15 minutes.

In some ways, I expected it. There is always that initial period where the culture shock kills my enthusiasm, and as I become more settled in a routine, things get a little better. Yet, I also didn't expect the extra frustration that is coming with the sense of nostalgia. I feel like I actually know how things work, yet I don't really know. That is the part that I did not expect and I now miss China more than ever. 

Hello Da Nang!

IIDa Nang airport is a bit of a small airport. Reminded me of a stripped down version of Qing Dao airport. There is a money exchange right outside the exit, with a super nice and helpful receptionist! They also sell VinaPhone SIM card, which I forgot how much it cost, though I believe it came out to be around $5. The lovely part about them is that they have an iPhone 5 SIM card cutter, which I am not sure if that's available anywhere else as I have yet to see any Vietnamese person using an iPhone. They don't have an iPhone 4 cutter, though the lady was able to find an iPhone 4 SIM card. The most important thing about getting connected is the 3G service, which then leads to access to google maps. 

Outside the airport exit, there are a few taxis waiting for customers. Their initial asking price is $10, but I offered $4 or use the meter. The guy decided to use the meter. Unfortunately, he was not able to find where our hotel is, and went too far. Good thing I had google maps! I was able to redirect him back to our hotel, though the total for the trip came out to be 120,000 VND, which apparently includes 10,000 dong for airport surcharge. 

The receptionist for our hotel was a very nice young man who spoke some English. He was very helpful in helping me buy a sim recharge from the lady next door (a small shop that sold some random things). 

My room is a bit small and musty, but there is air conditioning, hot water, and working and clean bathroom, as well as a blow dryer! Water costs an uncertain amount of money (5000 or 10000 per bottle), so I opted to buy water outside (15,000 for 2L bottle). The unfortunate part came in the evening, when a cockroach the size of my pinky finger came out from the other door! I freaked and called the receptionist, who was this young man who spoke a little English. He did not know what I was talking about, but then I showed him... And he subsequently used a piece of tissue, picked it up, and threw it out my window! He offered to change my room, but given that I was already on the fourth floor, I was very skeptical if it would matter at all. Also, I was ridiculously tired to be dealing with this. 

The bed in my room is also terribly hard, which apparently is standard for most Vietnamese places. I ended up feeling very itchy for the rest of the evening, but I was not able to find any signs of bed bugs. Fingers crossed that it's the laundry detergent and not bed bugs! 

The rest of the first day involved some exploring. The city of Da Nang reminds me of Shenyang, 10 years ago. It is very loud, as most drivers and motorcyclist don't follow any rules. The streets are full of tiny little shops that sell various items. The road is dusty. There are various markets that sell the goods you need. There are perhaps a few more tourists, but that's it. 

We initially tried to walk to the beach to find our attending's friend. But that was aborted when we realized that it was likely going to take >1 hour. We were able to take a taxi. She lives in a beautifully quiet ara by the beach (see above). We had the best mango shake there. It was so thick it was like ice cream! 

The shop owner Tam is an interesting woman. She was a young girl during the Vietnam War and worked in an American camp, and subsequently learned to speak English and made friends with many Americans. She loved telling people her stories and love foreigners. She apparently rents motorbikes and have some small tours, but we were not interested in those.

Tam pointed us to Han's Market, which is a fairly decent sized area of shopping, which reminded me of a smaller and dirtier version of Wu Ai market in Shenyang. They sold everything from clothing to food to household items and knock off bags. The prices were a bit higher than what I would expect, but I suppose it is because we were foreigners. I was able to buy a pair of flip flops, as Da Nang is very humid and wearing closed shoes was not very pleasant. Also, this area is where jewlery shops are at, which is a good place to exchange money.

I came across this interesting statue by the river, before hitting the dragon bridge (it's in the background). Don't worry, that's not full frontal nudity, there is a leaf covering the important parts. I am uncertain what these statues are doing by the side of the river without any markings of an exhibit, but I suspect they are related to the fact that Marble Mountain is nearby and these are suppose to sell to tourists? According to Tam, the marble in the area is not actually from Marble Mountain as it really hasn't been used for marble production at all. These are likely imports from else where, including China. 

The beach in Da Nang was somewhat dreary. The waves are very strong, but there is a lot of sand in the waters. There were people fishing in the waves. Are there actually fish in these angry waves?

Last, but not least, the food adventures! Challenge number one was a street corner where lady with cart was selling roasted corn and sweet potatoes.  The corn was 10,000 dong each, and she will roast it again for you. The sweet potatoes were about similar, though it was weight based. The corn is Asian corn, which means it is more starchy but not sweet at all. 

The lady would periodically light up incense and stick it in the corners around her street corner, which I wondered if it was for good luck. Right there and then, more than ever, I wished I spoke some Vietnamese and find out from her what she is doing and why. Alas, no such thing and we wandered off to Bihn restaurant, which apparently specializes in Bahn My. 

We got the Mi Guong (a type of wide rice noodle with different meats and mixed with peanuts mint and greens), the bahn mo Bo ne (a self serving mixed beef bahn Mi?), as well as the sua cha Da (yogurt drink, with yogurt made with condensed milk.)

The food is nice and cheap, and this restaurant looks mildly cleaner and more upscale than the run of the mill shop with the far too low for legs table and chairs. Given how close it is to our hotel, I fully intend to return and try some of the other food. 

The day concluded with the unsettling witness of the gigantic cockroach and itchy sleep. Tomorrow, off to Hoi An. 

One night in Hong Kong

Note to self, taking a flight right after ending a busy night shift is never a good idea. As I hopped off the BART to get into SFO, my brain was working at 10% capacity, and much of the journey was a blur. Cathay pacific food was okay. Watching Another Earth and Letters to Juliet was great. Wished I finished Blue Jasmine. 

Hong Kong Airport is fairly large. The showers were located in lounges, but we could not figure out how to get in. Existing Immigration was a breeze, and definitely HK immigration is the most efficient I have ever seen. From there, the next step is to find luggage storage as I did not want to wander around Kowloon with all my sleeping gear. It took a bit of effort to find the luggage storage, which cost 10 HKD/luggage/hour. They take HKD and visa/MasterCard only, though you pay when picking up. 

From there, we took the airport express train, which costed 160HKD roundtrip. I for some reason expected a faster train, but it was reasonably fast. Kowloon Ed the second stop, and I know I wanted to head to the Temple Street NightMarket, which actually is within walking distance. 

(For directions: follow the signs to Austin Station out of the Kowloon station and shopping plaza. Once on Jordon Road, follow it North and Temple street is about 3-4 blocks down.)

The Night Market was quite bustling with people. As my sights were on food, I don't remember much about the shopping, other than that stuff in HK is expensive! And I can't seem to ever figure out if I should speak Mandarin or English to the sellers. 

However, my first awesome finding came in the form of a fruit. Fresh jackfruit in a cup! 

The actual jackfruit is an odd fruit. I initially thought it was an oversized durian, but turns out it tastes quite different! It lacks that pungent flavor and instead has a refreshing sweet taste. 

We then decided to browse as many food restaurants as possible, which is a terrible idea because things look ridiculous and finding your way back is always more difficult. After an hour of wandering, we finally decided on a dim sum place. Now kids, never ever eat dim sum at night! Worst dim sum EVER! I shall not elaborate any further and forget it.  However, we came across the best grass jelly I ever had.

The store is called Hong Kong Local Snacks, which meant a bunch of fried fish ball, chicken and other varieties. However, their dessert, which is various fruit with homemade grass jelly or various fruit with mini tapioca was quite delicious. 

Behind my grass jelly with dragon fruit is my friend's mango with mini tapioca. Both were quite delicious. I heart coconut milk. 

After that, we stopped by a bakery called King's Bakery (or some variety of it) along Jordon Road. I had the cake roll and pineapple bread the next day (which I forgot to take a picture), but once again, AMAZING~ 

We got back to the airport around midnight as the airport express stops running after midnight. There were sleeping lounges around the airport (we slept at L6's West Side). Of note, the south security gate is closed around midnight, so use the north one. I think showers were located inside the airline lounge, which is on L7 that we could not figure out how to get to. 

The next morning involved breakfast on L8 in the middle of the airport. Choices were McDonald's, which I really wanted, but not for breakfast, Donburi shop and a traditional HK breakfast with Congee and other items. The congee with Kuri and clam is preferred. The turnip cake and noodles were also quite good. 

Atlas, after many extremely satisfying food ventures, we headed off to the unknowns of Vietnam. I truly, truly will miss you HK, especially in this upcoming month... T.T

Reflection

好像最近每天都是看着日出和踏着日落回家的。坐着地铁，每天顺着相同的轨道回家，可每天观望风景的心情却又是不同的。有时的焦躁，望着风景却又退回去了。有时的疲倦，可以望着日落慢慢沉入梦乡。窗外的灯火，可以勾起无限的想象，却因为在继续前行的电车里又有摆脱尘世的潇洒。当我开车时，看到行使中的电车，总是会有奔往遥远无尽的终点的渴望。

窗外的天，只是有点朦朦亮，车窗里的倒影映出了一个渴望无尽旅行的我。 

The value of crying

I thought I wouldn't cry again. I thought I could hold my tears back. But when they told me that was his favorite hat, when they told me what he was like, when I saw how much he was loved, I think I cried because I know how much he will be missed.

I have seen so many deaths, some with peacefulness, some with despair, and some with pure sadness. As part of the hospital, I rarely knew what they were like as a person, not as a patient, so that was a protective layer. But it is when I get to know them as a person, either because I have talked and shared my laughter with them, or because their beloved family has shown me how loving my patient is in life, that is when I can't stop the tears.

I remember, all the way back to Anatomy, that was the first realization of the responsibility we carry on our shoulders. I wondered about what this person in front of us, who gave us their most precious possession, what was he or she like? They must have been loved, and loved in return, that they were so full of love to donate themselves to the goodness of humanity. This is a thread of love, of connection that transcends death and allow us to carry our loved ones forever in our heart. It is this connection that I, as a physician, had the honor to partake in. To ease the suffering that comes when a loved one transcends to the eternal beyond, to help put those that are left behind at peace, and to help preserve a person'a dignity in those last moments.

There have been days, such as today, where I wondered the value of our aggressive care on those who are inevitably headed to the grave? But it is a choice. It is a choice made because there is love, even if it is unseen sometimes, that drives one to push through the pain and suffering, to remain hopeful, and that in the end, it can still be peaceful.

There is tears rolling down my face, though I cannot even say quite why. Perhaps it is the thought of those who are left behind, just like I was, and once again, I am reminded of how death is the great divide, that I can never , ever see those I love again. Their pain resonants through me, like church bells, shaking me from the inside. All those regrets, those painful thoughts, those longing, all coming back. That slightly cool May evening, when I first heard. The shock that I couldn't push through, until I realized that we will forever be apart. No matter how many comforting thoughts, how many times I run through them, it still breaks my heart to this day.

There have been many times when I have had tears in my eyes as I am listening to the family or the patient themselves. Those are the times when I feel as if I am part of that pain. It humbles me and brings me out of the shell of cynical and self comforting that has built up with experience. There are no weakness in those tears. They are the burning wood that fuels my resolution to do what is right, always. Not just for one or two, but for all those who comes under my care, because they are not just patients, but real people just like those that I love.

Life begins, life ends

I get asked a lt about why I chose to become a doctor. And in truth, while I may know now what it is to the profession that draws me to it, I know that I didn't REALLY know back then. It was a sense of purpose, a sense of being that cog in the wheel to move our society to a better world that drove me to it. Of course, there was pride. My never ending pride. I wanted to prove that I can do it. But in hindsight, I now know that if I didn't come to love medicine the way it is now, I would have never made it.

Even as I lay here, wide awake, suffering fron uncertainties about Monday, I have never regrettted choosing this path. Not even the first day, not the worst days, and not now. I love what I do. There is no other profession that I will be able to watch some one being born, while watching another pass.

Yet there are so many frustrations in our profession. Limited by science, by technology, we are only applying knowledge rather than creating it. There are moments where we have to watch others suffer, powerless to stop it, though I know that everyone of us has taken ending suffering as our mission. Rationing of resources, as horrible as it sounds, it has to happen. There are more people on this earth than we can support, and to be born and living in a developed and resource rich country is the luckiest thing on Earth.

I think that along this road, I have been lucky and have made some good decisions. I will never forget how happy I was the day I was accepted into medical school, and I won't ever forget the overwhelming sense of pride as we finished our Scope and Scalpel show. I have met a lot of really awesome people, who have been inspiring in their own separate ways. And tomorrow, next year, ten years from now, I will continue to grow, to become better.

Empty

Today's society has such a short attention span. We have become confined to limited spaces. Text messaging, a conversation limited by 160 characters. Twitter, limited by 240 words. Youtube videos, usually no more than 10 minutes. Because of the information overload, we are constantly shifting out attention, so things of limited spaces have become so popular.

I remember when text messaging first came out, I thought it was so rude to look down on one's phone while conversing with people. But these days, it's almost expected that you reply right away, so you almost have to break social etiquette for such things. Having an in depth conversation only occurs when you are truly enthralled by the conversation (or the other person). And yet because of our limited attention spans, our conversation jumps from topic to topic without ever going too deep. We avoid topics that will arouse the other person's passion and instead choose to stick with easy conversations such as tv shows, sports and news. I can't decide if it is good or bad, especially when I am so entrenched it, but I do find myself longing at times to have something, anything, that can fully grab my attention away.

Today was my hermit day, which is the day that I recharge. I spent most of the day wondering listlessly from one activity to another. Play games for a while, do homework for a while, check twitter for a while, halfway maintain an online chat, oh and maybe clean my room a bit then cook for a bit. But I didn't really want to do any of these things, and in the end, I felt quite empty. I didn't know what I wanted to do, just like I don't know what I am trying to express with this blog entry. Perhaps I should leave it at that and end this very pointless and listless day by going to bed. Perhaps there will be more order in the dream world.