Reflections, year 2018

As yet another year draws to a close, I wanted to find a space to reflect on 2018. The funny thing is, I actually have a hard time finding a place to write down my thoughts. I have always written on a private blog in Chinese, but this year I have been so lost from my own language that I am not sure that I can connect to my other inner self.

This year zoomed by so quickly that I am not sure that I can recall all the months. The reason: work. This is the year where I have devoted much time and energy to my work. And at the end of the year, I can say that I feel satisfied with my performance without a doubt. I have made good progress as a leader, I can claim some research for myself, and I have handled it without damaging my home environment. On the other hand, in this process, I have lost that wondrous and creative self.

Several days ago, I did an interview with a researcher about my upbringing. As I talked about growing up in America, finding my career and self, I realized how I had slowly lost my creative self. Perhaps it is the time, perhaps it is the energy, or perhaps it is being out of that environment. There was a self in me that once wanted to be an artist, to make designs, to write fiction. That self has been lost in the day to day grind of answering questions, figuring out problems, and providing empathy.

Was it worth it? I still remember clearly the day that I made the decision. It was after a long shift volunteering at Keswick Nursing Home, where I helped elderly residents with making pottery. As I prepared dinner for myself in my lonesome studio, that was the moment that I decided, I wanted to be a cog in the giant clockwork that is our society. And without a doubt, my presence now in my work affects at least hundreds of people, if not more.

But alas, I am not so selfless. I mourn the loss of my creative time, the wondrous people who used to surround me, and the timeless moments where my thoughts flowed like water. We only live on this earth for so long, and I want more. I want to spend time with my beloved, giggling like children about the silliest things. I want to see this world of ours before it becomes a wasteland. I want to spend more time with family and friends, as each goodbye may be our last....

January: Flu was terrible. I spent a majority of my time doing more shifts and getting work done. Spent several days jack hammering the back yard and scooping out concrete blocks.

February: Hokkaido! Yuki no matsuri! While the snowfields of Niseko were not the largest, the dry powder was truly unforgettable. 

March: Visit to Tahoe. Stayed up until 2AM fuming at our friend for playing Overwatch and keeping us awake... I decided this was the last time that we would try to daytrip a Tahoe trip.

April: Finished paying off our Home Equity Loan!!! According to Gmail, this month I did a lot of stock trading and financial management

May: Hosted the Rutabaga party! It was such a blast where we all hunted for the rutabaga in the dishes and enjoyed lots of cheese and wine. It is also the month where I purchased our two blueberry plants as well as my favorite fig tree!

June: Vegas and lots of guilty buffet eating. We discovered the magic that is Overcooked. (Also officially became pod lead...)

July: We finally have walls everywhere!! Started to pain our house. hired our favorite contractor for our smooth walls, and endless paint splattering. Moved back into the living room to sleep. Almost choked to death in front of my sleeping husband from really ripe Xiang gua....

August: Pressure is on for parents' visit. We have floors everywhere!! No longer have to take off our shoes to walk around the house. All the square footage, now ours!!

September: Parents visited and had a blast. We made an unforgettable stop at Peacock farm near SLO, which was much fun. Lots of good food, though my husband must have been terribly stressed from getting the bathroom ready.

October: I really can't remember at all... Empathy day at Haye's Mansion?

November: Visited home and discovered one thing that I will now forever love about Richmond: Buz and Ned's smoked ribs. The best that I have ever had. Also ate so much lobster that I thought I was going to die...

December: Completed a very deep interview about my life. It really has affected me in ways that I didn't expect, perhaps for the good. I am very glad that I cut back my hours, though it is hard to let work go. Going on an impromptu trip to Seattle, and once again discovering amazing things that I love about that city. Nevermind the 9 hour trip to Vancouver that we made just to go to Ikea to find the Algot metal shelf. The worst part? They didn't have them in stock!!

Resolutions for 2019:
1. Take more photos. Trying to remember 2018 was very painful and I will have more photos this year to remember it.
2. Make a scrapbook. Now that I have a sticker photo printer...
3. Exercise more. Goal? Lose 10lbs.
4. Work less. Be okay with 9/10th work schedule
5. Be more organized in my life. Perhaps finally I will get a cleaner?