I thought I wouldn't cry again. I thought I could hold my tears back. But when they told me that was his favorite hat, when they told me what he was like, when I saw how much he was loved, I think I cried because I know how much he will be missed.
I have seen so many deaths, some with peacefulness, some with despair, and some with pure sadness. As part of the hospital, I rarely knew what they were like as a person, not as a patient, so that was a protective layer. But it is when I get to know them as a person, either because I have talked and shared my laughter with them, or because their beloved family has shown me how loving my patient is in life, that is when I can't stop the tears.
I remember, all the way back to Anatomy, that was the first realization of the responsibility we carry on our shoulders. I wondered about what this person in front of us, who gave us their most precious possession, what was he or she like? They must have been loved, and loved in return, that they were so full of love to donate themselves to the goodness of humanity. This is a thread of love, of connection that transcends death and allow us to carry our loved ones forever in our heart. It is this connection that I, as a physician, had the honor to partake in. To ease the suffering that comes when a loved one transcends to the eternal beyond, to help put those that are left behind at peace, and to help preserve a person'a dignity in those last moments.
There have been days, such as today, where I wondered the value of our aggressive care on those who are inevitably headed to the grave? But it is a choice. It is a choice made because there is love, even if it is unseen sometimes, that drives one to push through the pain and suffering, to remain hopeful, and that in the end, it can still be peaceful.
There is tears rolling down my face, though I cannot even say quite why. Perhaps it is the thought of those who are left behind, just like I was, and once again, I am reminded of how death is the great divide, that I can never , ever see those I love again. Their pain resonants through me, like church bells, shaking me from the inside. All those regrets, those painful thoughts, those longing, all coming back. That slightly cool May evening, when I first heard. The shock that I couldn't push through, until I realized that we will forever be apart. No matter how many comforting thoughts, how many times I run through them, it still breaks my heart to this day.
There have been many times when I have had tears in my eyes as I am listening to the family or the patient themselves. Those are the times when I feel as if I am part of that pain. It humbles me and brings me out of the shell of cynical and self comforting that has built up with experience. There are no weakness in those tears. They are the burning wood that fuels my resolution to do what is right, always. Not just for one or two, but for all those who comes under my care, because they are not just patients, but real people just like those that I love.
I have seen so many deaths, some with peacefulness, some with despair, and some with pure sadness. As part of the hospital, I rarely knew what they were like as a person, not as a patient, so that was a protective layer. But it is when I get to know them as a person, either because I have talked and shared my laughter with them, or because their beloved family has shown me how loving my patient is in life, that is when I can't stop the tears.
I remember, all the way back to Anatomy, that was the first realization of the responsibility we carry on our shoulders. I wondered about what this person in front of us, who gave us their most precious possession, what was he or she like? They must have been loved, and loved in return, that they were so full of love to donate themselves to the goodness of humanity. This is a thread of love, of connection that transcends death and allow us to carry our loved ones forever in our heart. It is this connection that I, as a physician, had the honor to partake in. To ease the suffering that comes when a loved one transcends to the eternal beyond, to help put those that are left behind at peace, and to help preserve a person'a dignity in those last moments.
There have been days, such as today, where I wondered the value of our aggressive care on those who are inevitably headed to the grave? But it is a choice. It is a choice made because there is love, even if it is unseen sometimes, that drives one to push through the pain and suffering, to remain hopeful, and that in the end, it can still be peaceful.
There is tears rolling down my face, though I cannot even say quite why. Perhaps it is the thought of those who are left behind, just like I was, and once again, I am reminded of how death is the great divide, that I can never , ever see those I love again. Their pain resonants through me, like church bells, shaking me from the inside. All those regrets, those painful thoughts, those longing, all coming back. That slightly cool May evening, when I first heard. The shock that I couldn't push through, until I realized that we will forever be apart. No matter how many comforting thoughts, how many times I run through them, it still breaks my heart to this day.
There have been many times when I have had tears in my eyes as I am listening to the family or the patient themselves. Those are the times when I feel as if I am part of that pain. It humbles me and brings me out of the shell of cynical and self comforting that has built up with experience. There are no weakness in those tears. They are the burning wood that fuels my resolution to do what is right, always. Not just for one or two, but for all those who comes under my care, because they are not just patients, but real people just like those that I love.
No comments:
Post a Comment