Until we meet again.

It's hard to believe that it has been a year already. I don't even remember what day it was. I do remember the many spring nights, where the birds outside my window chirped on cheerily, while tears poured down my face. Somethings to be remembered, somethings to be forgotten.

I will always remember that night where I said goodbye to you. I thought I was ready for it. I even thought to myself, that certain things have to come first, and that I was okay saying goodbye to you the year before, as I walked out of your hospital room with blurry eyes. But I did regret not saying goodbye to you in those final hours. I cried every night since you passed away. I thought I was okay. I was glad you were able to end your suffering and regain your dignity, but I miss you so. Even now, a year later, I thought I could say it, but even as I write these words, the tears won't stop.

I am so thankful you came to say goodbye to me. That morning where I awoken, sobbing at our goodbye, that really was the last time then. When I was with the Vascular Surgery team seeing the elderly gentleman in the ICU, I thought of you, but even as my vision became blurry, it's because of our goodbye that I didn't break down crying in the room.

I really couldn't tell anyone about what happened. I would have cried in front of them if I did. And nobody would understand how much you meant to me. You were the only father figure in my life. The countless memories of you, standing tall, being the support and model for me as I strive to become a person, as great as you were. To never be able to see you again, to not have you there in my thoughts, it's too much. You meant too much to me.

I once read somewhere that the living shouldn't think of the dead too much, because we would disturb their peace. And I know you would be at peace. I know you wanted to see me before you passed away to the other world, so you came, and you were not sad nor regretful then. But I still miss you so. I think in some fancy from long ago, I had hoped that you would be the way to give me away at my wedding, and I wanted you to see me become a great person. But I would never want to keep you bound to this earth because I know you were suffering then. Fighting disease, old age, I could never want to keep you for my own selfish reasons.

I think I have tried to block the exact date from my memories, just like how I had done when she passed away. I can't bear to have to be forced by such things as dates to think about how much I miss you, so forgive me. And forgive me for disturbing your peace. I want you to know that I strive to become a good person with high moral standards. That I had chosen to dedicate myself for the better good humanity, and you have been my inspiration all along, and will continue to be. I will take care of her, and we will be happy. So you be happy too. And until we meet again.