So it's not today that I realized I am lonely, but it's today that I paid attention to it. Getting up and moving to a town (or city) where I barely have any friends, far away from my family, and also without a close circle to find new friends is tough. I feel insecure, not knowing who to turn to to share these dark and lonely thoughts with, who to count on when the going gets hard, and who i can even ask to hang out with me. In many ways, being an introvert does not mean that I like being alone. I don't mond being alone, but I need a few (at least one) friends to make me feel comfortable. And really, right now, there is no such person. My dear friends are further away and busy with their own lives, my family is too far away to provide comfort, and my new co workers all have their establishe circle of friends or family already. That is the lonely part. They all have someone, while I feel like I have no one. But it is ok, I can deal with it and I am working really hard to break through this, but it doesn't mean that it isn't lonely or hard on me.
When I have thoughts of why did I chose to move so far away out here, I have to remind myself of my original resolve. I moved out here so that I could take care of my grandma. It is not the sole reason of me moving, but it probably is the most important one. I don't share it with that many people that that's the reason, but I have planned my life around how to make hers better. I considered programs that are not super busy so that I could have enough time with her. I am saving money like mad so that I can support her myself. I am trying to find a place to live that will suit her needs. It constantly is in the back pf my mind. I couldn't be there for my grandfather, so the least I can do is make his sole wish come true by making my grandmother happy.
It is hard for me share this motive because I feel that it is hard to share how close I am to my grandmother. She was my life when I was young and without my mother. My grandparents are the reason why I am who I am. My most beautiful memories are with them, and I have forever lived in the fear that I would loose them. It still is so hard for me to come to terms with my grandfather's passing, so I don't want there to be any regrets with my grandmother. I want her to be happy, to feel loved. My mother cannot understand my motives nor does she understand my grandmother's loneliness. But I made that determination three hears ago that she can live with me. I am willing to sacrifice many things to make it come true. And I don't feel that it is a sacrifice. I think I am merely trying to make things work for both her and I. I know she would be happier living in LA, but here is better for my training, and I think she will like this place better, and I will have more time to spend with her. So no matter how hard it gets, I know why I made my decision, and I do not regret my decision. If things could work out, if even I could give her hope and make her happy, it's all worth it in the end.
I am not afraid to admit I am lonely. I think that there's nothing wrong with it as I am actively trying to change that fact. I am not whining and complaining about it. I will keep working on making my life better and it will get better.
When I have thoughts of why did I chose to move so far away out here, I have to remind myself of my original resolve. I moved out here so that I could take care of my grandma. It is not the sole reason of me moving, but it probably is the most important one. I don't share it with that many people that that's the reason, but I have planned my life around how to make hers better. I considered programs that are not super busy so that I could have enough time with her. I am saving money like mad so that I can support her myself. I am trying to find a place to live that will suit her needs. It constantly is in the back pf my mind. I couldn't be there for my grandfather, so the least I can do is make his sole wish come true by making my grandmother happy.
It is hard for me share this motive because I feel that it is hard to share how close I am to my grandmother. She was my life when I was young and without my mother. My grandparents are the reason why I am who I am. My most beautiful memories are with them, and I have forever lived in the fear that I would loose them. It still is so hard for me to come to terms with my grandfather's passing, so I don't want there to be any regrets with my grandmother. I want her to be happy, to feel loved. My mother cannot understand my motives nor does she understand my grandmother's loneliness. But I made that determination three hears ago that she can live with me. I am willing to sacrifice many things to make it come true. And I don't feel that it is a sacrifice. I think I am merely trying to make things work for both her and I. I know she would be happier living in LA, but here is better for my training, and I think she will like this place better, and I will have more time to spend with her. So no matter how hard it gets, I know why I made my decision, and I do not regret my decision. If things could work out, if even I could give her hope and make her happy, it's all worth it in the end.
I am not afraid to admit I am lonely. I think that there's nothing wrong with it as I am actively trying to change that fact. I am not whining and complaining about it. I will keep working on making my life better and it will get better.
